I thought
by Strange Music
Summary: We always hope that the choices we are turn out to be right. Sometimes they do...sometimes they don't. I wrote this story, because after the episode "Late Delivery from Avalon" I couldn't get the thought out of my head, what had happened to the Captain.


Once again..this story was written early and in the events happening is now   
a AU  
  
09-04-1997   
  
Hello everybody,   
  
First to Business   
  
Disclaimer: I don't own nothing here. (Beside the Pilots and the   
daughter), but then frankly who would want them?   
Everything belongs to the Great Maker, JMS. (Great Hopes make great   
People ;-)   
If there are any Problems, just call 1-900-AAAAARRRGGGHHHHHH   
  
Now to Fun?   
  
I wrote this story, because after the episode "Late Delivery from   
Avalon" I couldn't get the thought out of my head, what had happened to   
the Captain who gave the order. ( I had a good name for him as well, till   
I found out he already had one.)   
I had the idea running around in my head till I decided to make the story   
out of it.   
So here it is.   
I hope you like it.   
  
So, now to the Story,  
  
  
I thought.....  
  
As every day, he was standing at the viewport, watching the ships pass by,   
with the movement of perfect beauty. He didn't have to look at their   
painting to find out their pilot. The way each of them flew, gave him all the   
clues he needed.   
  
Like there was Daniel Watson, youngest of them. No longer in EarthForce,   
that his youngest daughter counted years. And so wet behind his ears, that   
his comrades jested him, about never having to wash his hair. Yet, put him   
in a Fighter and no one would guess. Flying his fighter with an ease, that   
made you think that he had been born with wings on his feet. His comrades   
knew this and many envied him for having natural as skills, what they have   
worked so hard to archive. Instinctively knowing that, made it easier for   
him to life with the picture, they had painted on his Star-Fury - A   
Teddybear in Uniform with Mercury-Helmet - And even when he would   
never admit it, he had come to like this bear as much as the others had.   
Like the others, he had come to consider, it as some kind of mascot, and he   
would never ever repaint it. But it sometimes helped to keep the others in   
line, by reminding them that it was still *his* fighter. Especially, when he   
did so, with a bucket of paint in his hands.   
  
The next who caught his eyes was Paul Hamper. A dark looking man, Who   
seemed to have invented the saying about having two left feet. Being at   
times so clumsy that many quipped that he only made it through academy   
because they figured it was the fastest way to get their headquarters to stay   
in one piece. Considering they knew if he would fail he would try again,   
and again and again. Quit persistent he was. Especially when he had put   
his heart into something. And he had put his heart into flying, once in a   
fighter you realized this at once, for he seemed to dance instead of flying.   
Forgotten his clumsiness, forgotten his feet, out there he was a dance to a   
music that only he could hear. Letting now the others appear clumsy.   
Concerning that the painting of a albatross seemed to be more than   
appropriate.   
  
Then, right behind him there was Honeyford Kay, in whose life there only   
seemed to be two mistakes.   
  
The first one were his parents, who tried to choose a name for their child   
that was different. Not counting what different sometimes meant. Until the   
present day he had to live with the fact that in every new assignment, he   
would be could called "Honey" by his comrades, who loved such sentences   
like. "Honey, would you be so nice and catch me a coffee." It always took   
some time till the fun was out of the joke and they stared to call him   
"Hockey" like he told them to do. Which once had led to an very amusing   
episode with his CO. "Hockey, I am sure that this can't be your real name.   
Why aren't you wearing your real name on your nameplate." Forced to   
reveal his real name, the reaction of the man opposite from him was,   
amazement, wonder, a suppressed laughter and "Hockey is a good name,   
you can leave it."   
  
He was often asked why he didn't just change his name. He always replied,   
"My parents gave me the name for a reason. I haven't found it out yet and I   
am quit sure I will die before I do. But they are my parents and I love them.   
Keeping this name is my way of showing the respect I have for them."  
  
The other one, had been to grow up in a time of war. Peace for him was   
more than just a word with 5 letters that you used if a cross-word puzzle   
asked for the opposite of war. Then again, maybe this was just another   
sideeffect of having grown up under this name.   
  
Yet, he wasn't the only one with a mistake, there was also Dianna   
Alisander, but she had only one. Which was, not having been born in   
Space. Whereas only in Space she was alive. Being inside on a planet was   
like death for her. Even when she had cooped with living there. To be   
really alive she needed the stars beneath her and the great darkness of space   
around her. If she would have been able to breath vacuum she would have   
left, years ago.   
  
Her husband Ray Wilkinson knew about this, and being married to her for   
10 Years he had accepted that he was only playing the second fiddle.   
He had been a Priest before the war, but he had found out that his wife   
meant more to him than his calling. For her he had given up everything to   
become a fighter. Not that he giving up his beliefs, just the ways had   
changed. Once he had talked to him, after finding him starring at a cross,   
for more than 20 unbroken Minutes. Asking him if he had ever regretted   
this rather uncommon change, that his life had taken. "Yes" he had said   
without hesitation, "but only when I'm forced to kill someone." He looked   
straight into his eyes. "Yes, I know that's what war about and it was at the   
beginning of the war that I had to make a choice. Dianna, I know she loves   
me, however I also know that she loves Space even more. I could have   
stayed on earth, stayed with my believes, what would it had gained me?   
Only a good chance that I might loose her. God won't die. She can. That's   
why I choose to follow her." He had looked to the stars for a moment.   
"You know the joke they always made about her. -Don't make her mad,   
she would kill instant, for being probably the only human who would   
actually thank the judge and jury for spacing her. For it would get her close   
to the one thing she loved most.   
  
You know it is one of her nightmares to die in bed, She always hopes to die   
in space. With the Distant stars as her only guide through the long night."   
Leaving him with those words hanging in the air he stood up to greet his   
wife returning from a patrolflight. Even an hour after they had left he found   
himself still starring at the cross. Wondering, what he would do, if he   
would have to choose between heart and soul.  
  
Talking about heart. His mind was immediately drawn to Joyce Jenkins a   
woman who seemed to have only one mood. To be happy, and one goal to   
make others around her as well. She was the Joker of the Team. Sometimes   
making them smile in the middle of the worst battle and not only once   
making them snort their drinks through their noses.  
In connection with Eric Alder's rather black, dry British humor. They had   
made it sometime hard for him to keep his posture as their CO.  
  
And then, there were the warriors Adams Kreis, Aileen Rigel and Alice   
Wonder. Triplet A Attack Team as they liked to call themselves. Or as   
Alice, who like Honeyford Kay had to suffer with her parents decision on   
the namebase, liked to say.   
  
"We ain`t really military, we just happen to be a bunch of clowns who   
ended up being in EarthForce."   
  
The story behind her name is fast told. Growing up on Mars her parents   
didn't even know the story. But she took everything with humor and gave a   
few bleeding noses. Still she understood the fun when on her last birthday   
the crew had given her a white rabbit with a clock around his Neck. She   
always seemed to know when to fight and when to keep peace.   
  
Almost a bit like Ryan Page, but his Intuition sometimes almost seemed to   
indicate the presents of a PSI-Level. He wasn't great fight or a great Pilot,   
but he seemed to somehow deduce what the enemy planed to do. In the   
middle of the battle, even when he was one of the youngest and had lowest   
ranks. When he told you, to fly up or down or even break, you did it   
without questions or thinking. Even Dave Watkins who was the oldest of   
them listened to him when he spoke.   
  
Only once somebody hadn't. Dinas Emrys, after a fight she had had with   
Ryan, her pride had kept her from listening to him. A Minbarie had caught   
her cold. Surviving the beating she had died in the cause of her injuries   
only 1 week later. Having gained consciousness only twice during that   
time.   
  
So beautiful to watch, he could have stood there for hours. Only the   
universe didn't work that way and as always the scenario changed.   
From a dream to a nightmare.   
  
The same he had been forced to watch since more than 10 Years.   
As every night their Starfuries changed to the black coffins in which they   
had made their last journey.   
  
We are here today in Honors to our fallen comrades who have made the   
ultimate sacrifice, that we might carry out the work that remains ahead of   
us.   
  
We are gathered here today to honor their memory and their names.  
  
"From the stars we came,  
  
(I guess Hockey that you were true about never finding out)  
  
to the stars we return.   
  
(I hope you are lucky now Dianna)  
  
From now till the end of time.   
  
(As, you always said Ray "Nearer my god to thee." I pray that you were   
right)  
  
We hereby commit these bodies to the deep."   
  
  
He would hear their screams as they died in a battle they had no chance to   
win. Which they only fought so that the ship had the time to jump into   
hyperspace.   
  
And as every night he would turn around and find himself starring into the   
faces of all those who had died because of him.   
  
In the first row his twelve pilots and then behind them, hundred thousands   
more.   
  
They didn't cry, they didn't scream.   
  
There was no accusation in their eyes.   
  
Just a question.   
  
Why?  
  
His name was Ellasai Ferdinand VI,  
  
He was 30 years old,  
  
He was married   
  
and he had three kids  
  
He was born on Earth   
  
He was former Captain of the Prometeus  
  
and   
  
He was the Main Reason for the EarthMinbarie War.   
  
"No," he wanted to scream. "It's not my fault" but he knew that it wasn't   
true.  
  
In a heartbeat he had made a decision.   
  
A decision that had destroyed hundred thousands of life, including his own.   
  
They looked into his eyes.   
  
So many.   
  
"I am sorry."   
  
He cried out knowing that is sounded more than weak.   
  
There was no change and the Question remained.   
  
"Why?.......Why did we have to die?"  
  
As every night he woke up trembling, pale, with an unheard shout on his   
lips and tears in his eyes. Not quit sure if what he did was really called   
waking up. Through he was only trading one nightmare for the other.   
  
For 2 years the fear had been his constant companion, for 2 years a lie had   
darkened his soul.   
  
"They had fired first"  
  
But back then they had been at war, so no one did notice. Since the   
flightrecord had been erased during the incident, no one would have ever   
known. However, then, after the incident with the fightersquad. One had   
decided to come forward, one had decided that he had wasted enough lives.   
So he told them the truth. He had lost everything that next day. His wife   
left him with their kids. His friends cursed him. His parents felt sorry that   
he was ever born.   
  
Two days later he had disappeared.   
  
From that moment on he had started cruising around in the universe.   
Taking every job that would have been offered to him. But by doing so he   
was not able to stop himself walking even further down the road he had   
already taken. Working legal, to dubious to downright criminal. Till finally   
he had landed here on Babylon 5 were he had found his way to the section   
which was most appropriate for him.   
  
DownBelow.   
  
Since two years he called it home now. He was sure that he would so till   
the day he died. Spending each day filled with the thoughts of what he   
could have done different.   
  
"I tried."   
  
He whispered   
  
"I really did. I thought that I did the right thing. I gave everything. How   
and why did it turn out to be wrong, why did I turn out to be wrong. I just   
don't understand."   
  
Everything had seemed so perfect that he had thought that he would live in   
a dream. And now he was living in a dream. In a broken dream. And his   
life is not much more worth that smashed glass. For this is all his dreams   
turned out to be.   
  
"Pride.   
I remember that one.   
I remember the time when people stepped aside to let me pass. When they   
greeted me, their heads bowed slightly and when I spoke they listened to   
every word I said, not only with their ears, but with their hears and souls as   
well."   
  
Now he didn't even know what pride was. The only thing he knew was that   
it didn't feed you or kept you warm in the long dark night that space was.   
Especially here in DownBelow where the Technician thought twice before   
wasting Energy to warm it up. The temperature was just that high that they   
wouldn't freeze. It wasn't meant to be humane. Just the work of getting rid   
of all the dead body's would be too much of an effort.   
  
There was nothing left.   
  
For he was still breathing, his heart was still beating.   
  
There was nothing left that would have made him humane.   
  
He kicked an old piece of metal from his feet. Straighten his old and dusty   
Jacket and started to tumble through the floors. When passed by one of the   
shiny metal plates, he stopped for a moment to look at himself. The beard   
which was covering the lower part of his face was as dirty and filthy as his   
hair was, with dirt covering what was left of his face. His appearance no   
longer seemed human. Especially when he looked in his eyes, they seemed   
like the eyes of a haunted animal. As always he turned away, disgusted   
about what he had become. Only that this time he only managed half a   
turn, because he stumbled in a young girl running into him and for a   
moment he saw haunted look mirrored in her eyes. But when he then   
looked into her face, it was like a lightning bolt.   
  
"Oh my God."   
  
In that second, he was sure that God, whoever and wherever he was,   
definitely had a sense of humor.   
  
For he was looking into the eyes of his oldest daughter.   
  
"Sorry Madam" he said and started to turned away. - I pray that she didn't   
recognize me. -  
  
Yet, a hand on his shoulder stopped him.   
  
"Can you help me Mister. I got lost on my way to the green sector. Then   
these man started to follow me. They have knives, I don't know what to do.   
Please.....Can you help me??"  
  
He just nodded and pointed her to follow.   
  
Still praying that she would never found out who she had just met.  
  
They were only 200 m from the nearest exit away. If everything went fine,   
she should be out of here in no time at all.   
  
Only life didn't work that way. So that it was at about half the way that   
their race was stopped by 4 man. 3 with Knives and 1 with a Lurker PPG.  
  
"Maybe we can just work this thing out?" he said in a cheerful voice.  
One look in their faces however destroyed every hope he might have had.   
"Well...You can't blame a man for trying. He whispered under his breath,   
which earned him a nervous chuckle from his daughter.   
  
Many years before. He had always been able to make her smile when she   
had been sad or afraid. 10 years she had been, the day their mother had left   
with them. Too young to comprehend everything that had happened, but   
old enough to understand some of it.   
  
Closer my god to thee. - He thought and then forced his concentration back   
to the present.   
  
Their gaze was now turned to him, a fact which he used to distract their   
attention from the fact that he was slowly moving his daughter behind his   
back.  
  
Then with the words, "Take cover" he pushed her to a pile of cloth rushed   
forward into the heart of the group, and for once, once in his live, luck was   
on his side. As soon as he had gathered the gun from one of the Lurkers he   
stumbled back. There was a faint stitch in his stomach, but he choose to   
ignore it. On the contrary to the 4 Lurker, who decided that one PPG was   
stronger than 3 knives, and decided to make a flying exit.   
  
Now that they were gone he, directed his daughter back to his side.  
  
She flung her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly.   
  
And for a moment he felt alive.  
  
Closer my god to thee.  
  
He didn't know why this line kept blinking into his mind. Frankly right   
now, he couldn't care less, he just enjoyed being in that moment.   
  
But as everything in live, the moment passed.  
  
He aimed at the tunnel and said "Let's go before the return."  
  
However as they went her left hand was still on his arm and her head was   
stilling leaning on his shoulder.   
  
"Mom, told me never to take a short-cut through Down Below. Why didn't   
I listen, she had been right before."  
  
"We all make mistakes, child." If you are really lucky I have had my   
share, for you, your children and grant children.   
  
Then they had reached the door.   
  
"Good-Bye. And take care."  
  
She tried to stop him. "Please come with me, I want to thank you."  
  
For a brief sweet moment, he enjoyed, the possibility of considering it.   
  
Only he knew that this part of his live had been closed. Forever.  
  
"You don't have to go back in there. Mister."   
  
In a heartbeat.  
  
In a heartbeat he had made a decision.   
  
And in a heartbeat he made another one.  
  
Bowing down he kissed her cheek "Yes, I do" he laughed and turned to   
return into Down Below.  
  
After reaching the window which marked his constant place he sat down. It   
was yet that the knife wound started to hurt. He had lost much blood. Too   
much. It hadn't been visible to the outside, because the thick cloth had   
soaked up most of it. Still, the more minutes passed the more he could feel   
the world fading.   
  
He looked out of the window, one more time.   
  
Closer my god to thee.  
  
"Will they be waiting for me" he wondered out aloud   
  
"Yes, I believe they will."  
  
From the stars we came....  
  
To the stars we return............  
  
From now.................................  
  
Till..................................................  
  
The END  
  
(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*  
)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)   
PSI: So how did you like it.?????????   
PLEASE TELL ME!!!!   
There will be a shortly revised story out as soon as I get the chance to   
get it on the net. This one was a bit fast, So I had no time to correct,   
some mistakes which had made it throught the ABC- Corrector.   
(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*  
)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)D   
  
Do not believe in Miracles, rely on them.   
Don't waste the whole day. Laugh at least ones.  
  



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